


Truth And Consequences Abridged

by siderealSandman



Series: Miraculous Ladybug: Rift Wars [3]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: JUST, Pure Sillyness, Self-Roasting, Sillyness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:13:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealSandman/pseuds/siderealSandman
Summary: On Sunday, Marinette learned that Adrien's Daddy was a MothmanOn Monday, she made a big big booboo
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: Miraculous Ladybug: Rift Wars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1106025
Comments: 49
Kudos: 191





	1. Le mauvais début

“Why?!” Adrien cried

“I don’t-” Marinette whinnied like a distressed filly. 

“ _ Why tho?!”  _ Adrien blubbered like a particularly distraught jaguar (AN: cuz he’s like a cat n stuff ;3)

“IDK!” Marinette cried with anguish that made the best performances of I Dreamed a Dream look like complete and total shitshows. “But we can-” 

“No…” Adrien said, wiping a tear from his perfect eye. “There is...no... _ oui _ …” 

  
  


**TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES: ABRIDGED**

**MADE IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF GOD’S LAWS AND THOMAS ASTRUC  
BY SIDEREALSANDMAN**

  
  


**[THREE MONTHS OR SO EARLIER]**

**[IDK I KINDA LOST CONTROL OF THE TIME]**

“BLARGH I’M A SILLY LOOKING AKUMA!” 

“Gtfo, nerd,” Ladybug said, kicking the akuma in the face with a tired sigh as she broke the akumitized item. “Sigh...I wish I had someone who could share my superhero burden.” 

“You know,” Chat Noir said. “I could probably help you out more if you told me literally  _ anything  _ about the Miraculous or-” 

“Being the  _ only  _ hero in Paris is  _ tiring _ ,” Ladybug sighed. 

“I mean, Fu still hasn’t told me  _ basically  _ anything about being a hero,” Chat Noir chuckled. “I don’t know, maybe if you…you know...brought me in on some stuff, I could help share the load, or-” 

“Alone,” Ladybug sighed deeper and melencholier as she zipped away. “So...so very alone…” 

**[ONE TRANSITION SCENE LATER]**

“Hey Marinette, wanna study tomorrow?” Adrien asked. 

“O-Okay, that sounds-” 

“And one day have my beautiful, green eyed babies?” 

“Sure, that sounds…” Marinette froze with her hand on the coffee pot. “...huh?” 

“...did I stutter?” 

**[THAT NIGHT…]**

“Oh Chat, will our quest to defeat Hawkmoth ever end?” Ladybug bemoaned, staring up at the starry night sky with woe and forlornitude. 

“I mean, unless one of us finds out who Hawkmoth is, I don’t think it’s likely,” Chat Noir said. “That’s okay! We can do this forever...forever...forever...forever...for-” 

“Okay, thanks!” Ladybug huffed, zipping away into the night. “Ugh, I’m stressed...maybe a good-old-fashioned peep in Adrien’s bedroom window would cheer me up-” 

Ladybug nearly hit a lamp post as she swung by Gabriel’s office, watching her former fashion icon pirouette like a Madoka cosplayer and reveal himself to be none other than...Hawkmoth!!1! 

“Sacre-tittyfucking- _ bleu!”  _ Ladybug extolled. 

**[LATER…]**

“Well, that was another humiliating failure,” Gabriel sighed as his transformation disappeared. 

“Not as humiliating as it’s gonna be to get your ass kicked by a high schooler!” Ladybug crowed, leaping out from behind the ficus and pointing menacingly at Gabriel.  _ “J'accuse,  _ Hawkbriel Mothgreste!” 

“Sacre-tittyfucking- _ bleu!”  _ Gabriel cried. “Ladybug, how did you know I was Hawkmoth?!” 

“I  _ wasn’t  _ peeping in your son’s room at night and  _ didn’t  _ accidentally see you transform!” Ladybug said, grabbing Gabriel by the throat. “Gimme one good reason I shouldn’t pop you like a zit!” 

“Uh...Adrien...needs his daddy?” Gabriel choked. 

“ _ I  _ can be Adrien’s daddy,” Ladybug glowered. 

“Uh...Adrien...needs his mommy?” Gabriel said. “Y-Yeah, this was all for my family and stuff...Adrien will be sad if I go to jail…” 

“That sounds like something you should have thought about before you decided to be evil!” 

“Look...if we work together…we can  _ all  _ get what we want,” Gabriel said, frantically paging his way through the previous chapters. “Aren’t...aren’t you tired of being so  _ very  _ alone? Don’t you want a chance to live a life free to pursue your dreams?” 

“Like  _ hell;  _ global warming is gonna kill us all before I’m forty anyway! At least I get some sweet sweet revenge before the world ends!” 

“I implore you to reconsider,” Gabriel said. 

“Hmm... _ okay _ !” Ladybug said as Tikki let forth a keening cry of the utmost rage deep inside Marinette’s earrings. “What could go wrong? I’ve got you by the balls; not like you can deduce my identity or anything.” 

“...n-nope, can’t do that!” Gabriel said. 

“Okay, lemme just hit up Chat Noir and tell him what the plan is. There’s no  _ way  _ he’s going to say no to me.” 

**[ONE TRANSITION SCENE LATER]**

“No,” Chat Noir said. 


	2. Just a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Topics of Sporking: My constant use of "four years", My blatant Adrigami Propaganda, Maribat as a concept

"Gimme your Miraculous!" Ladybug demanded.

"No," Chat Noir said. 

**[ONE ARGUMENT LATER]**

“ _ Please  _ give me your Miraculous?” Ladybug asked. 

“No,” Chat Noir said again. 

**[ANOTHER ARGUMENT LATER]**

“Tikki make Chat Noir give me his Miraculous!!” Marinette hufflepuffed. 

“Why?!” Tikki spluttered. 

“Because I’ve been at this for  _ four years,  _ Tikki!” Marinette sighed. “Four years! Forty-eight months! Fourteen-hundred and sixty-one days! Seventeen thousand five hundred and forty-two hours! Five-hundred twenty-five thousand-” 

“ _ Yes,  _ we all know how the song goes!” Tikki sighed. “How is this supposed to work out for you?!” 

“Awesomely; like it  _ always  _ does!” Marinette sighed. “You know I missed the days when Chat Noir would just do anything I told him to do. I wonder what got into him…” 

“Kagami.” Tikki said. 

“What?” 

“What?” Tikki laughed nervously. 

“Le _sigh_...I just wish I had someone who understood me,” Marinette pouted, opening her closet shrine to DC comic book hero/Worst Robin Damien Wayne with a loving sigh. “Oh Batboy...why can’t you take me far away from this life? Surely you, a petty, spoiled, murderous little shithead, would be the one to take all my cares away…”

“Okay, we need to have a talk about this,” Tikki said as Marinette licked the side of a very suggestive body-pillow with Damien Wayne’s image on it. 

“I guess I have to settle for Adrien,” Marinette sighed, tenderly stroking the side of her limited edition Damien Wayne action figure. “Even though he forgot to say bless-you when I sneezed two years ago and the pain of that betrayal keeps me awake at all hours of the night howling in abject misery and anguish...if only my Manbat were here...he would make all my dreams come true.” 

“I think you need Master Fu’s help,” Tikki said, manifesting a nose just to wrinkle it. “In more ways than one.” 

**[ACROSS TOWN]**

“Adrien...you seem troubled by something,” Kagami said, gently tracing her hand down her friend (and only friend’s) cheek. 

“I’m just...having some trouble dealing with someone,” Adrien sighed, putting his fencing foil back in his bag. 

“Shall I kill them for you?” 

“Maybe...I’ll let you know,” Adrien said, kissing Kagami’s cheek in a friendly fashion. “I’m glad we’re still friends after we broke up...even though our relationship was awesome.” 

“Totally great,” Kagami agreed, brushing a lock of hair out of Adrien’s face. 

“Being with you made me a better person in every conceivable way,” Adrien said, tenderly kissing Kagami on the mouth in a very platonic way. 

“Shame we broke up,” Kagami said, squeezing Adrien’s ass in a very friendly manner. 

“Yes...such a shame we are now with different people because of reasons,” Adrien sighed, tugging Kagami’s shirt off like a helpful pal would. “It’s good that we’ve managed to transition so seamlessly back into a totally non-romantic relationship though.” 

“Indeed,” Kagami said, unbuckling Adrien’s jeans like any good friend would. “Shall we go take our usual post-fencing friend-bath?” 

“Sure, but I’ll have to skip our usual 100% Not Romantic At All Quickie,” Adrien said, picking Kagami up  ~~bridal~~ buddy style and carrying her towards the bathroom. “I have to meet with my Chinese teacher before he has a very inconvenient stroke. Man, it would be  _ bad  _ if my Chinese teacher had a stroke before I could tell him that-” 

**[TRANSITION SCENE HERE]**

“-you  _ want  _ to use both Miraculous?!” Master Fu spluttered. 

“No!” Marinette said quickly. “...but also yes. What’s the worst thing that could happen?!” 

“I’ll tell you what the worst thing that could happen is!” Master Fu spluttered. “The absolute worst thing that could happen is that you fight Chat Noir in a misguided attempt to do good because Chat Noir, your partner, is the love of your life...Adrien....Agrest- _ ohgodmystroke! _ ” 

Master Fu coughed, grabbing at his chest as he fell flat on the kitchen floor. 

“...who could he have been  _ talking  _ about?!” Marinette cried, stuffing her pockets with Miraculous as the ambulance rolled up. “Tikki, grab his legs!” 

“You know, some days I wish I burned with Jeanne d’Arc…” Tikki sighed. 

**[ONE COMPLETELY PLATONIC BRO-JOB BETWEEN TWO FENCING FRIENDS LATER]**

“Sorry I’m late, Master Fu!” Adrien said, barging in the back door of Master Fu’s house. “I was helping my friend out by doing that thing with my tongue she likes and I lost track of- _ le gasp!”  _

Adrien almost swooned as he laid eyes on the ransacked apartment. “Plagg...do you know what this means?!” 

“Okay, this looks bad, but let’s not jump to-” 

“Ladybug’s gone  _ mad _ !” Adrien howled, stuffing his pockets with the rest of the Miraculous. “She has to be  _ stopped!  _ Call the army; call the fire brigade! Call the Avengers”

“Okay,  _ calm down! _ ” Plagg said as Adrien upended a table for no reason. “Maybe you should just try talking to Ladybug and see if this is-” 

“Too late; already left her an ominous message for when she comes back,” Adrien said, cracking his knuckles. “Let’s go home and torch my Ladybug merch collection.” 

“Even the spotted butt-” 

  
“Even  _ that _ ,” Adrien said, a single, crystalline tear rolling from his cheek and shattering like glass on the pavement. “She is...how you say... _ dead  _ to me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much drama, such angst, wow


End file.
